|
1
here i am
sunday morning
not quite a day after emergency surgery
still buoyed by post surgical euphoria
i am alive
can move my right hand
right leg responds to my requests
both are surprisingly strong
such a change
2
only last friday
veered to the right
off the old country road at least six times
on my way home from the office
cursed my new korean car
decided to trade it for american made
twice that day
depressed the accelerator instead of the brake
angels kept the car in park
3
sunday lunch
late and tasteless
prefer ginger ale and graham crackers
surgeon walks in
says the sub-dural hematoma was compressing the
left hemisphere
up against the right
from frontal lobes to brain stem
says he’s glad i came in when i did
tell him to thank my wife
that i had lost my mind
those last twenty-four hours
that i would have sat out on the porch
through the late lazy august friday afternoon and
evening
sporting a far off stare
unaware of the pooling sludge
shutting me down
claims it’s been there for a long time
no sign of new blood
mutter something about falling off
a step ladder
hitting my head on a wooden box
while repairing the old barn
near my wife’s bursting spring garden
late april I think
says it could be a slow bleed
tell him about the .81 aspirin these
past five years
the colossal fish oil pills since last christmas
thin slippery blood
discontinue them both he orders
what a deal
lower cholesterol and bleed to death
surgery was uncomplicated
one of the fastest procedures i ever performed
sure
two three-inch slices in my scalp and two bore holes
created
pressure pushed geysers of necrotic cells
you can expect to be discharged
on tuesday
cut them up and get them out
humor is healing
we agree
don’t hesitate to signal when
you need pain meds
don’t let it get ahead of you
he knows something
4
monday at dawn
alone
i notice how crisp and clear objects and persons
appear
my body and i are one again
how was it that a thin fog slowly
veiled my world unnoticed
how difficult word processing had become
how the keyboard repelled my fingers
why so many lost documents
misplaced files
missed deadlines
incomplete reports
misaddressed mail
confused colleagues
(thank god no confused patients)
forgotten names
and
wrote more illegibly in spite of great effort
experienced
unprovoked irritability
heighten sensitivity
overwhelming discouragement over abiding losses
and
all that makes me passionate held no allure
i longed for bed alone
to burrow
to hide
to sleep
5
how different today
tuesday midday
life returns full of adventure and possibilities
psychotherapy
my life’s work
teaching
my life’s joy
painting
my life’s dream
writing
my life’s challenge
wife children family friends
my life’s treasures
dressed for the ride home
i anticipate
seeing my old farmhouse
with its
open front porch
english gardens
aging stone walls
white picket fence
grey tired birches
young crab apple trees
especially
the dogs working on their yard bones
content
6
without warning
a voice from within
scolds
you should say a prayer of gratitude
i search for words
any words
blank
a chorus chimes in
ungrateful
intent to weigh me down with flooding shame and
guilt
and then
as if from nowhere
mischievous
delicious
a thought
light and clear
smile body
smile
Reflections:
The body does not lie. It does not pretend. Now,
the mind, that is a different matter altogether.
The neo cortex lends itself to deception, likes
to make up stories, give false impressions, lays
it on thick when pressured.
And pressured I was when confronted by the realization
that I had made it through brain surgery alive and
well enough; but so far without a word of gratitude.
More than that, search as I might, I drew a blank
time and time again. Astoundingly wordless! Not
even a prayer, not even a rote payer. Nothing, nothing
at all! Then, out of an emerging panic, I sensed
shame and guilt. What an insufferable ingrate! I
was empty, dry and stiff. And then, a clearing thought
softened my rigid body. Let your body be grateful.
Yes, but how? Just smile from head to foot. And
that was how I was able to express gratitude the
second day after surgery.
What a novel way for a body psychotherapist to
give thanks! What a lesson!
|
