|
I remember the last Father's Day I spent with my
son. He presented me with a baseball glove so we
could practice together. I had bought him a glove
the month before when, for the first time, he showed
an interest in my favorite sport. Now he gave me
a glove to replace the Willie Mays model I had used
since, well, Willie Mays played the game.
My baseball-themed Father's Day was three years
ago. Today the glove sits in a filing cabinet in
my office. The glove's leather still shines - not
a scuffmark anywhere. I can slip the glove over
my hand and imagine my son's 30-mile an hour "fastball"
hitting the glove's pocket - but I don't. I haven't
put my fingers inside the glove's fingers since
my coaching dreams disintegrated into the nightmare
of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).
The concept of PAS is pretty simple - one parent
deliberately damages, and in some cases destroys,
the previously healthy, loving relationship between
his or her child and the child's other parent. In
a severe PAS case the alienating parent and child
work together to successfully eliminate the previously
loved Mom or Dad from the child's life.
Dr. Richard A. Gardner, author of "The Parental
Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and
Legal Professionals," coined the term Parental
Alienation Syndrome almost 20 years ago to characterize
the breakdown of previously normal, healthy parent/child
relationships during divorce and child custody cases.
Yet the United States judicial system pays little,
if any, attention to PAS. The legal and psychological
communities often mistakenly dismiss PAS as the
typical rancor associated with high conflict divorce
and child custody cases. With one of every two marriages
ending in divorce, approximately 20 million children
are already victims of mild, moderate or severe
alienating behavior. Twenty-five million more children
will likely face some form of alienating behavior
in their futures.
"The key factor that is characteristic in all
PAS families is the alienating parent's real or
perceived fear of abandonment," says David
Israel, a Connecticut clinical psychologist who
specializes in child advocacy and family mediation.
"During a divorce, the alienating parent's
main mission becomes filling the void left by the
divorce and destroying a relationship that is loved
and cherished by the other parent."
I know what you're thinking - a normal, healthy
parent/child relationship doesn't go from hugs to
heartbreak overnight. I believed the same thing.
I was wrong. PAS is like a train barreling through
a dark tunnel with its lights off. You don't want
to be standing in the middle of the tracks when
the train emerges from the darkness.
On July 15, 2000 my attorney hadn't even finished
drafting my divorce complaint when my future ex-wife
started screaming at me within earshot of our son.
The line between fact and fiction disappeared. Nothing
was too inappropriate for a young boy's ears. According
to her I was solely responsible for our impending
divorce. "Your father is abandoning us,"
she told him.
My son cried. He blamed me for the divorce. "That's
not true," I cried back, "I love you.
We'll get through this together," I promised.
But my pleas fell on deaf ears.
While I searched for the words that I hoped would
bring order to chaos, my wife threw fuel on the
fire. She called me every name she could think of,
and she encouraged our son to repeat everything
she said. He did. I asked him not to talk to me
that way - I was still his father. But my wife told
him he could talk to me any way he wanted. She told
him he didn't have to listen to me; he didn't ever
have to talk to me again.
I felt like I was driving past a gruesome car wreck
- the kind of wreck where you automatically turn
away because your brain can't process what your
eyes would see. My brain couldn't comprehend what
I was living through. Nor could my brain have ever
imagined what I was going to live through.
My wife had our son sleep in her bed that night.
He was still sleeping in her bed when I moved out
of the house one month later. "I need you to
protect me," she kept telling him.
Before I moved out, I couldn't even get him to
have dinner with me. "Please don't leave me,"
Mom begged him. "I don't want to be alone."
I've learned a lot about PAS since those first
nights. I've had a lot of time on my hands. As I
write this, I haven't spent any time alone with
my son in almost three years. I haven't even seen
him in two years; even though he lives ten minutes
away.
The most important thing I've learned is that PAS
isn't just a crime against a parent, but three crimes
against the child.
The first crime is that the alienating parent doesn't
acknowledge that every child is one half of each
parent. Every time the alienating parent tells the
child how horrible the other parent is, the alienating
parent is telling the child that half of him (or
her) is horrible.
The second crime is that the alienating parent
teaches the child that cutting off contact with
people is an acceptable way to handle anger, hurt
and disappointment. The world is full of people.
One day the child will be an adult. The child who
believes that alienating behavior is acceptable
will grow up without the skills to have normal,
healthy relationships with other adults.
The third crime is that one-day the child will
look back on the alienating parent's behavior from
an adult perspective. He or she will then realize
that the alienating parent robbed the child of something
very precious - the love and attention of the other
parent. The child turned adult will realize that
the trust placed in the alienating parent was misplaced.
He or she will feel betrayed. At that point the
adult will not just have one damaged relationship
with a parent, but damaged relationships with both
parents.
The third crime is the worst crime of all.
It is also a crime that Moms and Dads suffer the
daily heartache of PAS. For an alienated parent,
Mother's Day and Father's Day aren't the Kodak moments
shown in advertisements. Instead the days serve
as an additional reminder that the love we once
shared with our children is gone.
I'll wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day this year.
I'll probably buy him a gift too. However my most
heartfelt Father's Day wishes go to the Dads who
are victims of PAS. So Happy Father's Day to the
alienated Dad:
In the airport, may someone meet you with a big
hug.
In the mall, may a toddler look up at you from
a stroller and smile.
At a ballgame, may you catch a foul ball and enjoy
giving the ball to the kid sitting closest to you.
At work, may you enjoy your job.
At the supermarket, may you get a group "thank
you" from the Scout troupe for buying something
you didn't really need.
At home, may you have the information you need
to order your child's school picture; and the strength
you need to keep the photo where you can see it.
On vacation, may you get through an entire chapter
of your book without thinking about the child who
refused to come with you.
Holding the remote control, may you come across
actor Rick Schroeder in a rerun of NYPD Blue rather
than The Champ.
Volunteering as a Big Brother, may you see signs
of your positive influence.
Listening to the radio, may the station play Harry
Chapin's Cats in the Cradle and Will Smith's Just
the Two of Us when you're out of the room.
Cooking dinner, may you have a reason to increase
the ingredients of your favorite recipe.
Picking up the ringing phone, may you have a wonderful
surprise on the other end of the line.
|
