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The plaque on my wall is bright, hopeful and filled
with primary colors.
It reads: "Babies are such a wonderful way
to start people".
It is a symbol of the importance of parenting and
it reminds me that I am glad to have been born female.
I would not have chosen to live life in any other
body. Although the creation of a baby is a life
experience that belongs to both man and woman, to
feel a baby grow inside ones body means to participate
in a miracle.
I have wondered what it would be like to be the
planter of the seed and feel one's baby move inside
the lover. It is another way to participate in the
same miraculous experience. I have asked men what
having babies means to them. Some men had answers
and others were stumped by the question. Some clearly
never have had the opportunity to give words to
the experience. The importance of father is the
other bookend of parenting, important beyond words.
As the mother of six, I know that children come
to us in many ways. Three grew inside my body, two
came to me by marriage and one was born into my
heart though adoption.
While birth is the miracle, the true mystery is
the relationship of parent and child. To look into
the eyes of a child, after the experience of incredible
pain and be able to fall in love amazes me each
and every time.
To accept a child born from the body of another,
bring it into our lives and fall in love is an even
greater piece of the mysterious. It helps that babies
are a work of art, beautiful and sweet. Still, as
they change and grow into active and at times frustrating
beings the parental bond usually continues to strengthen.
For many years I worked in a birthing clinic and
then as an adoption counselor. I watched mothers
and fathers fall in love with babies and children
with amazing precision and predictability. Nearly
always, it happened; not love at first sight as
we might mythologize the event; but soon the bond
forms, strong, durable and lasting.
"Always?" one would ask, and sadly, as
a social scientist I must admit, not always. At
the same time, I know that it takes a shattering
and unusual experience to defeat the incredible
strength of the mother/child attachment. It takes
a great internal emotional fracture to halt the
bond of father and child. I use the word internal
because, clearly, physical distance is not a factor
in parental love.
Creating children's bodies, while important is
only the beginning.
What counts most is our capacity to dream beyond
the moment and provide an environment in which children
can grow up healthy. We have so much to teach them
and we have so much to learn. Parenting is truly
a creative process, in which we give and receive.
At first we give more then we receive. Along the
way the balance shifts and we receive more then
we give.
I have watched mothers cradle their babies, lost
in the world of imagination. I have seen fathers
mesmerized by their infant. Through it all I learned
that the perfect parent is a myth. The "good
enough parent" brings joy to the work, sings
in the darkness and admits when they are overwhelmed.
What I have learned about mothering through the
years is that babies pass through our bodies and
our lives. They do not belong to us, they are on
loan and we have the great privilege of raising
people who then belong to the world.
Mothering has nothing to do with gender, ethnicity,
marital status, parental age or the origin of the
child. It has everything to do with emotional maturity,
the willingness to give, and the capacity to love.
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